Frog1234

Hi all, I haven't posted in a while but my divorce was officially finalized yesterday. I went to the court house and stood before the judge and he signed the divorce decree. In my state there is a mandatory 90 day cooling off period and I kept hoping that something would change in that time but my EXAH just kept showing me how bad off he really still is.

Long story short he went off the rails August last year and kept pulling it together only to fall apart again. I thought his 28 day inpatient rehab experience would help him and ultimately be the catalyst to save our marriage but he came out seeing me as the enemy. I have been through hell and back with him and if our ties were just over that would be one thing but we have the most amazing four year old twins together.

I know that I can't control him, I didn't cause this, I can't change him, but he puts on a show in front of the kids and they just see him as good time dad. I thank God that they are too little to fully understand what has happened, and I don't like keeping them from him, but how do I know what goes on when he has them?

In our parenting plan I got to dictate the time and place he saw them for 60 days as phase 1, then we progress to phases where he gets more time. We are technically at phase 2 where he gets them 8 hours each Saturday but he has never had them more than 5 hours because he either brings them home to me or I pick them up because they are crying for me and he can't handle it.

The phases progress as long as he remains sober. I am completely shocked that he is coming up on 7 months sober but he quit going to his therapist, he has quit taking his depression medication, and he is avoiding all the issues that 'drove him to drink'. He is unbearably hateful to me and I don't want to pry into his life but I don't want to feel like my children are unsafe with him.

My lawyer said that legally there is nothing I can do as long as he is paying child support and he is sober. Legally I can hold him at phase 2 until they make it 8 hours but phase 3 is where overnight visits start and my heart feels like it will explode if I have to leave them with him for 24 hours.

I know that it may just be to get attention but he often tells me that he wishes he wouldn't even wake up most days and he would be better off dead. He looks miserable every time I see him but puts on a show of the happiest person ever when I get the kids out of the car. He says the kids make him feel better, that he needs them, but he is only going to AA meetings and thinks that is all he should do to recover.

I am sorry this is such a long post, I just don't know how to get to a better place where I don't dread every time he calls to talk to the kids and every time I meet him to allow him to see them. I don't trust him whatsoever after everything he has done (I know that was during active addiction but this is the same person that did all those things). He won't raise a finger to help with anything with them but threatens to take me to court constantly demanding more time with them. I am just so sick of the tension and having to be the rule keeper. He knows that going to court will get him nothing but he just wants to fight to fight. I don't engage him but I have to have some knowledge of his mental well being because of the kids. Will it ever get better?