Sleeper......I know, from personal experience, that it is a cruel experience to see the alcoholic when they "back off" of the alcohol long enough for us to see what they can be like if alcohol were not their driving force....then....BAM. Seeing them when their brain is under the effects of the alcohol, again....
It feels like our heart is being dragged down a gravel road on the end of a long rope....only worse!
I just want to share, with you, some of my thoughts on "hope"....to me, hope without the proper action to back it up is just a wish....
Hope, alone, doesn't do anything. Personally, I think it is better, perhaps, to use a different word....because it keeps us more realistic....I think the word, "preference" is a better word than "hope".....Like, instead of saying "I hope that it doesn't pour rain during the wedding, on Saturday"....it is better to say "It is my preference that it doesn't rain on Saturday"....or, " I would like for it not to rain on Saturday"...…
the word "hope" is given on this forum, thousands of times....in the context of why many people stick with an alcoholic relationship for years...10--20--30--40--and more years...because they "hoped" that their partner would stop drinking. In other words...hope is the major foundation that their relationship is based on.....
We do know that alcoholism does not reverse itself...that it is progressive, and will only get worse as the years wear on....unless there is majpr….MAJOR action, taken by the alcoholic to bring about remission of this illness.
"Hope"--- a loved one's preference.....is absolutely nothing up against alcoholism.....
for the alcoholic.....the only possibility for remission or life long recovery is a strong commitment and willingness to do the hard, necessary work to follow a program of recovery...and, to live by those principles for the rest of their life.....
the early recovery stage lasts from 1-2-3-4-5 years...according to who you talk to....Because it requires a change in the alcoholic's thinking ….which, then, leads to a change in attitude, which, then lead to a change in actions.....and actions are what really counts for the loved ones)…..
this requires sobriety to be the first priority for the alcoholic...always. It requires investment in time...for meetings, for working the steps of a program, for therapy and counseling for their own particular baggage or issues.....and, time, helping others....
The alcoholic really has to want to be sober.
It is so hard for the loved one, who doesn't understand alcoholism, to understand that it is not a matter of just deciding not to drink, because that would be logical.....
***Addiction happens in the part of the brain where there is no decision making.....it is about the chemicals in that part of the brain, that causes a powerful compulsion to consume alcohol....Sort of like feeling a craving for water when a person is dehydrated....one doesn't decide to crave water or not--it just happens in a certain part of the brain....
Sleeper, the above are simply some of my own thoughts for your consideration that they might be of help, to you......