I hope things go well for you on Friday with your parole officer.
I believe you said you won't do AA. And I respect that, if that is your choice. But I'm pretty sure the legal system looks highly on people trying to help themselves so if you think that making some meetings, bringing a homemade sign in sheet that demonstrates you are trying to change, might help you maybe consider it? I mean, worst case, it gets you out, you can listen to others that have suffered just like you, and you won't be alone. I don't work the program, but I find the support and the message of those in AA very encouraging.
When you are able have you considered some volunteer work? Just something to get you out of your head a bit. Sitting alone, anxious and stressing about things that are long in the past, or things that you can't control, will make anyone crazy.
I know I can't think my way into right action. I have to act my way into right thinking. Stewing never got me anywhere but drunk. I know you were traumatized and it might surprise you to find out that many, many addicts are also trauma victims. And as much as it sucks, we must find ways of coping. I also know many trauma victims that aren't addicts...so clearly there is a way to cope that doesn't involve booze. I know its hard, but emotional maturity is incredibly important if I'm going to survive. Learning to react appropriately to my feelings, as opposed to over reacting and drinking at or over things.