Teehee

I've been reading Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That?", and listening to "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans; both are fantastic.

Evens was just talking about feeling shock and serenity. There are so many things to be shocked about and not just with my current marriage. I see a pattern within myself where I have not taken heed to red flags and instead justified them. Each time things became progressively worse and I found myself a victim of someone else's behavior.

The difference this time is that I'm aware. This is where my serenity comes in because I have the power to not allow someone else to dictate who I am and how I feel. This is all over simplified but makes much sense to me. I'm thankful that I've recognized what is happening in my home, who is responsible (NOT ME!) for the behavior and what I can do to change my circumstance, and hopefully not repeat it again.

I've set up an appointment with a therapist who specializes in abusive relationships. I'm going to a friends home tonight that was formally a therapist to have dinner. My husband will come home and there will be no dinner made because we need to eat the leftovers or fresh juice for him in the refrigerator. I know this could be something that sets him off, but his anger and negative controlling behavior is not my problem.

I'm done crying. I'm done being told I'm a typical hysterical woman. I'm done being told I'm an overly sensitive ball of wires. I'm done thinking that if I could just rephrase what I'm saying that he will get it because he won't and attempts to get him to understand me only fuel the crazy making. He understands. All of my crying, being upset, yelling back, blah, blah, blah, are his thrill.

Instead, I will pack a bag and my dog and go to my dad's. This is bull. I'm over the shock and I feel serene because I know who I am.