You will never meet expectations, because what fun is that? The fun is in demeaning you, minimilizing you, and humiliating you. I would say DO NOT ask him what is wrong anymore. That is also a fun game....he mopes, acts mad, whatever....all to keep you on your toes, the energey on him and make you ask him what is wrong. I mean, don't you KNOW what is wrong? Aren't you smart enough? Aren't you in sync? Oh, I played that game so many times. EGGSHELLS.
Others may disagree, but a temporary prescription for something to help with anxiety may be helpful. When I went through my divorce, I had to have something to help with my nausea, because my anxiety was so through the roof I was throwing up every 5 minutes. I couldn't even keep water down. Again, just a thought. There are essential oils that may help -- my two favorites are lavender and vetiver. (They also smell really nice blended, imo!)
You are not a soldier. And he is not your sergeant, general, or anything else. Your job is not to take orders. (And there should be no "or elses"!!!!)
If I missed this detail, I'm sorry, but do you share any children with this man, or is it just your stepdaughter?