Awake at 4 30 ahhh. But at least Itnisnt because I have been drinking. 😊😊
Thanks Dee , I am feeling a bit better. This too shall pass!
I was feeling frustrated yesterday as Seren's dad was being an immature ******** because she didnt want to stay with him and he called me spineless and said she manipulates me. I know I am quite soft with her but how can I send her to stay with him when she is sobbing and begging me not to make her go. I just wish he was more understanding but that would be like wishing the sky was green! I am completely powerless over him but I am grateful today that I am not powerless over how I choose to react to him and I felt like I acted with dignity and grace and he can sit and wallow. I am working on Monday now as they brought me forward 2 days due to my standby block so he will see her then. The funny thing is she is going for a sleepover at her friends tonight, she was desperate to go ooops, I think I will refrain from telling him that 🤣🤣
The other thing that got me peeved yesterday was my sponsor! Again! So basically I am in my step 5. I have done my resentments and fears and read rhen out to her. All I need to do now is my sex inventory. I have written it out and there are 6 people on there who I know I hurt or aroused jealousy, bitterness or suspicion. But my sponsor says I need to put down everyone I ever slept with on there and I have refused to do it as they were all drunken one night stands, with consenting adults. As far as I am aware the only person I hurt was ME as they left me feeling worthless and used and I really do not feel that writing these men down (to be honest I cant even remember all their names or even some of their faces!) will benefit me. In fact quite the opposite. It was all in my past and I never would have behaved like that sober. Anyway she said that if I am not willing to do the work then she doesnt know of she can help me! So I just said ok that's fine. I said this isn't about willingness. This would be a complete waste of my time.
I am just fed up. I feel stuck in these steps and therefore in my past at the moment. And I dont want to be. I got sober to move forward and whit my new life but this feels like a self flagellation task. I spoke with a good AA friend of mine yesterday and her experience of the steps is completely different to mine because of the sponsor she has. I am going to speak to her tomorrow and just be honest about how I feel because at the minute this is not helping me, in fact it is making me feel quite ****.
Apart from that everything is ok. Day 2 of no sugar done as well which am super proud of as I would have definitely gone and bought some sweets and chocolate to (try) make me feel better.
I am actually looking forward to Seren going back to school so can start my yoga again.
yawnnnn feeling sleepy now x x