I would like to join in on your thread. I am kicking myself because I am back on day 3 (again). I am having such a hard time breaking this 40 year habit. Drinking is all I have ever known in my life since a teenager to old woman ☹ to deal with everything; good, bad, celebrate, tired, etc., how stupid. I drink my feelings, whatever they may be at the moment, AWAY!
I had a couple of months recently, but because of a million excuses I chose to drink again, and been in that depressive rut since.
The last drink I had was a couple of days ago and while having a conversation with my husband who is also an alcoholic and our marriage is falling apart, I had a spoon in my hands that I just bent it in half with the anger I was feeling at how I want out of this.
I have that crumbled spoon near me to remind me that I have to create a better life for myself. I am dying here, I am killing myself. I have been dependent on alcohol and my husband for my identity for my whole adult life. I need to find out who I am, feel who I am, think for myself without altering my thoughts with toxic input. If this isn’t my bottom, I sure hope I don’t see it any deeper than this because this hurts to much.
My husbands health has become so bad from drinking and all the health problems caused by drinking that I don’t even feel safe driving in the same vehicle with him. Quite often lately he gets so incoherent, even when not drinking that his decision making is so messed up. I hate living in this environment and lifestyle.
I want more for myself, I want to live, and I know I need to become strong and grab on to my life and make it a better one. I know I have said this before about wanting more for myself with my numerous past quits, but I don’t think I have ever hurt this bad before, I can’t let myself go any lower than this.
How’s that for my intoduction, ☹ My feelings are still muddled and depressed, but I am better than yesterday.
I see some familiar faces here, hello! And lot’s of people with great thoughts and posts that I would like to get to know better, hello! This thread caught my eye because of the discussions going on here about recovering, this feels like where I should be.