Thanks for the replies, everyone. My gut tells me he's not all in on this recovery thing either. I do definitely think he's gone in open minded and serious about learning more about alcoholism, but I don't think he's willing or able to put that label on himself at this point.
I went to dinner with someone I've been friends with since we were 14, she came in town for business and stayed with us. It was helpful talking all of this situation out with her. Her mother was an A (still is) and she has experience with addiction because she grew up in it. We both came to the conclusion that the reason why my marriage counselors and even her never really gave much consideration to my husband being an alcoholic was because the way I presented the information has always been that I have this control issue that I need to work on as a wife and 'why do I get upset when he's only had 2 beers' etc. etc. when all this time it's very likely that he's had more than 2 beers (duh 260lb man doesn't seem drunk after 2 beers...) and I've always even gone so far as to explain to them that something changes in his brain when he drinks and it's BECAUSE HE'S DRINKING MORE THAN I REALIZED. MORE THAN HE SAID.
Anyway, that was a good ah ha moment for me. She knows me better than almost anyone and said she'd never classify me as a controlling person, I do like things the way I like them and am a type A personality but controlling? No. That's just the label that has always been put on me by my AH (up until recently when he said he knows it's not about me). So I've been going to therapy for 4 years trying to figure out why I'm so darned controlling and how to get over it when my husband has 2 beers when all the while it was a total farce. Pretty unbelievable. But also such a life changing thing to realize back when I started on this forum that this ISNT a marriage problem, it ISNT a me problem, it's an AH problem.
He's got a one on one therapy session today and I suggested this morning that he bring up the conversation we had a few nights ago (what I started this thread with) and talk it out with her. Somehow in that same conversation this morning it seems he genuinely thinks he deserves some sort of credit or pat on the back for doing this program and not drinking for the duration. As if at some point in the future when he decides he's going to moderate that I should say 'oh okay, you did this program and now we can go back to you trying to drink' and I'm somehow supposed to accept this.
My boundary is no drinking, no lies about drinking, no deception. I'm finally at the end of my rope. And sadly that may end our relationship as husband and wife.
But at the same time, if he makes that choice, is it really sad? Talking to my friend last night just reaffirmed how not normal things have been for so long. A spouse who lies to your face about what they've had to drink? Who constantly disappoints and never takes true action to resolve the problem? And reading through all of my past letters to my husband, somehow I know I have taken on the 'mother' role from the very beginning because of his drinking. This cannot be normal or healthy either. I want a spouse who doesn't lie, who cherishes me, who cares about how their actions affect me and my children. Who cares about me trusting their word. If he decides to keep drinking there's just no way I'll ever have that. I deserve to be happy.
He asked us to sign up for the marriage workshop this weekend at our church, I did. Ironic because no aspect of marriage works well without trust and I will never trust him if he decides to keep drinking.
And yes, the outpatient program ends right about the time we'll be having our 3rd child.
Something else someone said in the replies, I do feel a bit like we're delaying the inevitable. I don't feel like he's all in. He told me last night when I got home that yes he did think about drinking but that he knew he wouldn't get away with it so he didn't do it. So it worries me he's just 'putting in the time' during this program and that we'll end up back at the starting line when he's finished.
I also think he's serious about not wanting to lose us and lose this life we've built, his family, our house, etc. I just don't know how that will fare against his desire to keep drinking.
I have a therapist appointment tomorrow, been quite a while.
Oh, and in the mix of all of this it very well may be that my dad is dying and not telling us about it. Liver failure (not A related, he survived leukemia with a stem cell transplant 7 years ago and the stem cells have attacked his liver and pancreas). He lives 5 hours away. Acts like everything's fine. All information in front of me suggests otherwise. So much to handle mentally right now. I'm a pretty strong minded person, but it's a lot.
Wow, that was quite the rambling post. Thanks for listening.