3+ weeks in of no drinking
AH and I had an impromptu good for my emotional/mental health after he got home from work yesterday, before he headed to outpatient therapy.
He seemed very stressed when he walked in the door so I asked him to talk to me about it. He said he was afraid for our relationship and that he thought he had a good 40+ years of life left in him hopefully and that's a long time for him to imagine himself not drinking. The guys at work apparently spent the last 30 minutes there playing corn hole and drinking beer to unwind before heading home to their families... (my husband didn't partake in the drinking).
I told him I understood and that I was fearful too. That I wished he'd have chosen the AA 12 step route because it seems so many of those A's go through the steps and come out the other side with a new perspective on life and actually seem happier/more fulfilled as a sober person than continuing to live in their old way.
I asked him how he'd felt 3 weeks into no drinking, specifically if he felt like life was no fun without alcohol (he's all but said this in the past). He said it's actually been a surprising exercise and that it's not nearly as bad as he thought. He went on to explain that he wishes he'd have done things different, that he doesn't resent me at all or feel controlled by me, that he'd drink if he really wanted to. He says he's taking this time of not drinking evaluate himself and his relationship with alcohol. He said he completely understands my position on his drinking and that he deserves it, that he's let me down way too many times for way too long and I'm entitled to feel how I feel right now.
He did go on to say that the hardest part is giving up having a drink or two when we go to the local outdoor taco place or go have a steak at the steakhouse. I know him saying this is a slippery slope, he's saying he wants to be able to moderate. But at the same time he went on to say that he's terrified to even try to moderate and he doesn't know if he'd succeed and that he'd know this time, the first time he's ever really meant he's working on his relationship with alcohol, that if he failed he knows it would mean no more drinking. Ever. And he's not ready to find that out. I told him that I didn't think that was a good idea because he could end up in a hole that he couldn't mentally get out of, that the alcohol could skew his logic and make him think it was worth it to go down the road of hiding/deception/etc.
He also said he's absolutely not willing to lose his family over this so I did leave the conversation with some hope that he's headed in the right direction.
I do really appreciate him being open and honest with me about his feelings, they seemed sincere. He's never gone 3+ weeks without drinking. He doesn't complain about wanting a drink or make me feel like the villain. He's happy at home with us and the kids and doesn't mope. It's really been wonderful.
My gut tells me at some point we're going to have to visit this 'moderation trial' he's alluded to... I don't even know what to do with that. Because I know he can moderate sometimes, but I also know that it ultimately gets the best of him and he ends up over-indulging, lying, hiding, etc. and that scares the **** out of me. I just won't go back to that way of life and he knows it.