It's been three days of trying to accept what is obvious--that there's no going back now--unless of course I were willing to try yet again. However, he simply tried to trick/scheme/fool me, yes it was premeditated and took a lot of work. He has a lot going on from past trauma, and I hope he can figure it all out someday. Since he functions and hides his drinking well, he's under the illusion that "he doesn't hurt DS" and thus his drinking is not bad for DS. I have to move on in a big way, like divorce papers. The way all this stress affects me and my ability to earn a living in a new-ish career has not been good, I probably seem distracted and/or incapable. My son needs me, my father is on hospice. I'm tired of trying to give my full attention to work, and then to son, with my obliterated sanity and sense of defeat and dejection.
It's sad, I know AH does not wish to be this person, but his brain has changed, the person I once knew is not there and I no longer can trust him. It amazes me that when we both came home to the email from SoberLink that he described my reaction as "dumping all this cr*p on him". I was like "ummmm, those are just my feelings", and what I said was actually quite matter-of-fact. Anyway, thanks for all the feedback. I had to laugh out loud at the "he blew it, literally, with an air hose".