HardLessons...
thank you for your post - it truly helps. I "know" those things, but sometimes my desperate need for hope clouds my vision. She is 38 also
She asked me to be in the delivery room when the baby comes and if she gives it up for adoption she wants to recover for a time at my house. Initially I said yes, but now I'm thinking this is insane (of me).
In the meantime, my husband tells me he wants to spend the winter in Florida (we live in Minnesota) - leaving a month before her due date and coming back three months after it. We are both retiring at the end of the year and this would be a nice way to start.
In a way this might be good because it just takes me out of the picture with no drama - leaves her with the choice and the consequences. At the same time it feels rotten because there is a baby involved. I find myself not wanting to bond with this baby at all - she showed me ultrasound images and I realize if I hold this baby when it arrives, I'm not sure how strong I can be. Sort of like I would "relapse".
It would be just like her to keep the baby if she thinks she can use baby as leverage to keep me hooked into her drama. She'll probably give it up if she thinks she has to do this all on her own. Like you said, her logic is messed up and is more like a self-centered teenager than a 38 year old adult. So maybe this is my HP telling me to back off even more.
And it seems to never end. I'm 64 years old and I've been through 15 years of her drama - and - similar problems with other nieces and family members I don't even talk about. I'm just worn out. I feel like if I have something to offer, maybe go volunteer someplace where I can stay detached.
I just feel so helpless... probably because I am - step one.
Thanks for your post - it really helps!