Yesterday (Saturday) I never posted on here at all, it's the first day since starting this thread that I wrote nothing.
If I'm to be honest I became nervous, sounds silly right as nobody knows who I am yet a certain fear over came me.
I still have not had the desire to drink, most of my time is took up by thinking and playing my life back from 3 years old. I'm coming up against a lot of things here and can see the path I followed was full of battling. Fighting for the weaker kids then fighting the whole system after that, never settled down in the correct manner though did meet a girl and ended up getting married and having 2 children, but even then I left when the kids was 5 and 3 because deep down I knew I didn't want them growing up with me as an influence, I mean how I am and see the world would of meant they grew up confused being told by teachers, friends and the likes of the complete opposite to what I was saying. Leaving did not mean I was not around though, I would be there in the background and got involved when I felt I had too. Like school for example when my daughter had really bad anxiety at school and stopped eating, I walked in and saw the headmaster face to face. According to the headmaster I was the first person to ever come and see him directly and I wondered who else I was suppose to go and talk to?
I also got involved in a case of bullying when my daughter was 9, someone had set up a facebook page and all the kids was targeting this one girl, telling her to die and calling her names.
The school knew about it but did nothing, so I set up a false Facebook account and wrote on there I was an internet investigator and was busy tracking down all the kids involved, the page vanished almost instantaneously.
Last night I had a dream my mum was still alive, she died in one hospital when my daughter was being born in another, this was a strange time as my daughter took a week to be born, and in the end was delivered by caesarean.
So from one hospital to the other I spent my days, life coming in and life going out. I actually went through my mums funeral with her on Xmas Day, I said to her I did not really see the point of funerals as the person was gone, so she said we could go through the funeral there and then. So we did, she showed me a favourite reading she had on her and it was called 'footsteps in the sand' I read it out and then went over a couple of songs she wanted people to sing. Not normal songs but the ones people sing in churches. The lord is my shepherd was one of them ….
Anyway last night in my dream she was in the house I grew up in, nobody else was there and she told me it was time to wake up, let the past go and start again from now, she read the poem 'footsteps in the sand' to me...