In my recent purging I sorted through many boxes of pictures & memories. An unexpected discovery was a stack of journals & writing I had done as a teen, starting right after my dad got sober & committed himself to recovery.
I've never cried so hard in my life as I did reading my own words from the past. It was like the 15-yr old Me was throwing messages into the future for me to find now. They validate EVERY BIT of the neglect, abandonment & fear I felt as a child that my FOO still refuses to acknowledge. This had been a huge obstacle for me in the last year - not letting them invalidate or minimize my life experiences. My FOO has a way of comparing damage & since theirs is worse/more, in their eyes I have nothing to "get over" at all. I'm just crying foul in their opinions. It was like I knew I'd need to be my own Witness to my Story so I recorded it.
Beyond the pain is the obvious search for healthier ways & my frustration at not understanding emotions or how to manage them. Frustration & Fear about being unable to talk to my parents. Letters to my father outlining what I REALLY thought about what I'd observed & the crushing inability I had to deal with the resentments I was only starting to understand. I could see myself holding onto them tightly. How I knew I needed to get rid of them to avoid being bitter but had no clue how to proceed. No faith or trust in them being able to help me through it all.
One of the journal entries simply reminds me - "When in doubt, just. let. go." Even then I was seeing the need for detachment & dropping the rope but not having the language for it.
The scary part is that this doesn't hold a candle to the fictional writing I had done at the time - every freaking bit revolves around addiction & the way it hurts the entire family. I'm talking death & destruction, insanity & mental illness as a result of living with another's addiction.
Some of it was published in a small creative writing magazine I had collaborated on through my high school. Reading it now, as a grown woman aware of my ACoA damage & especially as a parent, I'm blown away. DD read some of it & asked how did my parents read this stuff (not the journals but the published stuff) and just turn a blind eye & deaf ear?? It's
obvious I was NOT ok.
ACoA members here at SR say it over & over but this was written proof - the kids know more than you think! We don't want it to be true but it IS.
