Misssy2

When I was drinking I used to stay in my room ALOT...

I used to sneak in and out...using the door handle quietly...etc.

I used to get all my ice in my cooler in my room before my son got home from work....and then the rest of the night I didn't leave my room unless I had to use the bathroom from the alcohol.

I now have about 40 days sober...and I still feel "pinned" to my bed once I come in to retire for the night..

I still recognized sometimes I am sneaking my door open or feeling like I don't want to use the bathroom yet...cause I used to hold it as long as possible..so I didn't bump into my son while I was drunk.


I was just doing that..I've had to pee for about 40 minutes and I feel fearful to leave my room. I just realized..WHAT THE HECK...I have nothing to hide anymore...I'm not ashamed...I am not "sneaking" anything....JUST GET UP AND GO!

There have been other behaviors...like remaining quite when my son gets home from work cause as soon as I talk to people when I'm drinking they know I am drinking...

I noticed all this week when he came home I was still remaining quite and I still felt that "guilt and shame" from drinking I still felt...fearful to talk even thou I have no reason to be worried about this any longer.

And Friday night I talked to my son ALOT when he got home from work...it felt really FREEING...

And he said its so good to see you in a good mood you haven't talked to me this much in a long time...and again I realized my body and brain still have the same behaviors and actions sometimes AS IF I am drinking. Its an erie yucky feeling...

When these things are happening and then the realization hits me that I am not DRINKING ...its a great feeling.

I have nothing to hide (my looks, my condition)...nothing to be ashamed of....But sometimes all of that learned behavior is still there...Its weird.