Yikes!
Cunning, Baffling and Powerful...
I was not a big AA "thumper" ever..and still I am not....but looking back on my sobriety that I have had...8 years...most of that time was spent going to AA because I didn't know what ELSE to do...
For me personally going to a meeting means I will not be drinking and I will have a very good chance of having zero cravings to drink...and I would feel better AFTER the meeting...
Some people say meetings make them drink...that was never me....
Meetings always..and I mean always made me feel better.
Whether it was because I was making fun of people (in my head) and their AA lingo..or being disgusted by some pushing God on everyone...I was still in a room where I could be ME and it was OK.
And most of the time if I was paying attention to the speakers I left with "something I needed to hear"..Something that kept me going with my sobriety.
I am extremely judgmental and shut down and a loner...and there are rooms and rooms of people in AA that just by nature make you feel "at home" and loved no matter HOW YOU ACT...as long as you show up...you will be loved by some/most.
You don't even have to show up sober...I have seen that scene many times...I figure why bother...If I was drunk..the last place I would be would be in a meeting...LOL.
I realized today when a thought of a drink came briefly to mind...because the weather has cooled here...there was a nice breeze...I just wanted to amplify the calm and happy feelings I felt...
Logic says..alcohol would NOT amplify my good feelings but only make me feel worse...but the thought of a drink snuck in anyway. And that FRIGHTENED me.
I don't know how people stay sober without AA.....I don't think I CAN.
MY "self will runs riot"....I think I can do everything on my own.
This BEAST is a little too much for me...I need to be reminded pretty often I can't do this alone. And AA is just that...a reminder for me.
SR may be the sole thing that works for some people but because I KNOW the human touch and interaction was a huge part of what kept me sober....*even when I didn't want these things.
I need to return to what works....
I have decided that I am NOW holding myself accountable to go to a meeting SATURDAY....Because my life is important...and if I drink I could literally die this time...…
I have been feeling really good for about 40 days...and all of a sudden WHAM! A craving...I am going to fight back with AA
