Never give up...this too shall pass
It's a cliche but its true. It really DOES get better.
I was a drinker for 20 plus years. I drank to excess from the get go. I was a real party girl. I drank to ease my shyness and give me confidence but I would always do shameful things when drunk that wrecked my self confidence. I had no idea I was an alcoholic. I just thought I loved to drink. Which I did. I loved to drink and I lived to drink. I never wanted to quit. But as we all know alcoholism is progressive and it got worse for me. I got pregnant and I couldn't stop drinking. I am so ashamed of this. I did cut back but I couldn't stop completely. I had my baby and I couldn't stop. No human power. It got worse. I went to AA when my daughter was 1. Then again when she was 4 then 5. But I still could not stop. I still wanted to drink more than i wanted to be sober. Alcohol was my master. It was in total control.
15 months ago I hit my rock bottom. 10 day binge mixed with xanax, drinking from when I woke up to when I passed out to when I came to. I was a walking zombie, numbing myself from everything and everyone. I can't believe I survived that binge. I realised I wanted to live and i was going to have to find a power Greater than me as I sure couldn't do this on my own and fight the demon drink with everything I had.
It has been a rocky road for me. I have had many ups and downs. I wanted to drink so badly sometimes I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. Experiencing feelings for the first time in 25 years and learning to sit in that uncomfortablness without taking a drink to numb myself. I prayed, I went to AA meetings, I joined a support group here, I ate alot of candy, I got a sponsor, started working the steps, hanging round with sober people, staying away from wet places, I watched a lot of programmes and read alot of books about alcoholism. I got honest with my family and friends about my addiction. I needed support.
I feel that my life is really starting to come together now and is so much more manageable. I have finally ditched the sugar that replaced my alcohol as I no longer need it, I have faced my debts and have done something about them, I have started yoga which I LOVE. With the help of the steps I am clearing the wreckage of my past and making amends to people I hurt. I am dealing with my fears and resentments and the trauma I experienced that I believe led me to drink. I am a good mummy, friend, daughter, employee. I am literally a different person to who I was 15 months ago.
Putting down the drink really was just the beginning for me. But I am here to tell anyone who is struggling, please do NOT GIVE UP. I have found out in recovery that my feelings, however uncomfortable they are, will not kill me. Drinking will.
If I can do can do it, you can too.
🙏❤🙏❤