icandothis20

Hi all!

I have been here a couple of times really struggling with drinking in the past. I wasnt ready to acknowledge that I could neverrrr drink again, although I def acknowledged that my drinking has and always will be unhealthy. I am still struggling with the never again tbh.

I am not a 1-2 drink type person. I never have been. Since I started drinking at about 13 I have always been a balls to the walls type. Once I start drinking, it usually lasts until I pass out. There have been times and years I managed it better, but for the most part, I drank to get drunk.

Last year I had a lot of things going on in my life that were celebratory. I attended all of those things sober. Bridal shower, bachelorette, and I was about 7 months sober, however at my destination wedding, I got a **** it mentality and drank. Nothing bad happened, and I got back on the sober train but now I have a different kind of cycle happening.

I will not drink a drop for 4-5-6 months- I am healthy, happy and a sober advocate. I am open about my sobriety to everyone and I am even proud to be a non drinker. Then every 5 ish months, its like something comes over me and I decide to drink for just one night. Always regret it, and get right back on the sober train because I dont like how alcohol makes me feel, I dont know why i cant get that through my head???
This is clearly taking a toll on me because I make so much progress and then feel like I am starting back at day 1, and starting all over again sucks ass.

A couple weekends ago after over 4 months sober, I had that **** it mentality and drank. I am back to being sober, but I would like to stop this madness and just stay sober for good. I would have over 3 years sober if I didnt just drink once every 6 months, its very frustrating.

I know I can do it and even love the sober life because I have done all the things sober. Ive since been on two holidays sober, a wedding, lake weekends, parties, you name it, and ive done it... but I am noticing with the warm weather and summer and lake the AV is loud in my head. "You drank two weeks ago, just one more time."

Just today, I had an old drinking buddy call me and ask me to come over for old times sake and have a couple and I was kind of caught off guard. The good thing is I declined, even though i wanted to so so badly. Its a dangerous situation, and I am learning I must be more responsible with the situations I place myself it. One positive of all this on and off again stuff, is that I have learnt a ton about myself, my stresses, my triggers.

So I am doubling down and this time I really want it to stick, long term, and I am committing to posting daily for the next month or two- hope no one gets annoyed of me! LOL.