Originally Posted by
Dazedandconfus 
There was never joint goals.... That truth was always there, I just never really looked at it or accepted it before. I do now.
For most of the 21 years we were together, I thought XAH and I were headed in the same direction also. Like you, if I look back, I can see that was never the case.
When we met, I was just having a good time too. We drank together (I never saw his drinking as excessive then), had fun together, enjoyed each other's company. When I look back, I see there was never any actual discussion about what kind of future we wanted. When we decided to marry, there was
still no discussion of what we wanted from a life together. I just made assumptions that seemed reasonable to me (we'd settle down, spend less, make saving a priority, pay off our debts while looking to a time when we could work less and do more of what we wanted) and figured he was on board.
This led to him calling me "money hungry" and a "goody two-shoes" once we got near the end. He claimed to not have any idea about what I was shooting for financially and otherwise. He was angry that we didn't have "drink and cook" nights on Saturdays any more. We were never able to discuss major expenditures; he'd just say "do what you want" and leave it at that. I knew he wasn't frugal or a saver. He flat out
told me that! But I had those rose-colored glasses on and felt sure that I could change all that. It never occurred to me that he perhaps wasn't telling me this so that I could fix it--he was telling me b/c that is how it was and always would be!
I'm not blaming myself for how things turned out. What I
am doing is accepting that I did play an active role in the situation. Here's something that I've kept in my "Wisdom of SR" folder, posted by another member some years ago:
For the first time, I realized that I was not just a hapless victim of his choices. I was a willing participant. This realization didn't bring me shame. It empowered me. If I was part of the problem, then I was also part of the solution. My fate was not tied to his. This was a very freeing moment for me.
It sounds to me like you're coming to a similar place right now, Dazed. I hope that quote is as helpful to you as it is to me.