Support Systems
Lately I've been up and down. There are alot of things happening in my life. There has been good but, sort of like the Patriots, it's been win one lose one. All of a sudden I've noticed a dangerous pattern in my thoughts. I'm fighting them but, maybe I should expose them. I've been thinking of isolating but, I now believe it's something else. I've been wanting to sever my support systems. Have you ever thought of this. I want to tell the VA I'm OK now, drop meetings, fade away from SR etc. The problem is I think it's my alcoholism driving these thoughts. If I look hard, it is all the things that watch over me. Things that help keep me sober. I've taken reading back up to help divert my brain from destructive thoughts. Hey, maybe I'm over reacting to some difficult times. My 92 year old mother is sick, some family members not talking to others, my wife and daughter not speaking after argument on vacation. My wife might be out of a job. One of the lawyers is moving south. My manager at work is getting unreasonable at work. My former employer has offered me a good job to come back. The Holidays are here and my family is fragmented. For the first time in along time I need to keep repeating, " I will not drink no matter what." The crazy part is I feel good in a way. Strange but, being in control and not on alcohol is a relief. So I can't understand why I'd want to stop what got me here. I feel a little silly even saying it, I mean I have almost 3 years. You'd think these thoughts wouldn't return. Do you ever feel like you need a pep talk? Should I need one at this stage? I'm just a little lost, and don't want to choose the wrong path.