bodhi01

I'm on day 13. Of all the times I tried to kick the bottle this time around has been harder than all the others. Before it was purely about the want to feel healthy again, to not wake up feeling guilty and to be more productive. This time around it's all of those things but I'm also learning I have to train to handle lifes hardships without alcohol. I'm going through a very hard time right now and it's hitting me from all angles. In the past, this all would have lead me to drink. I would have used it as an excuse to drink and embraced it. As we all know there's nothing like having an excuse to hit the bottle. I failed in the past many times because success in sobriety led me to believe I could reintroduce alcohol back into my life and be in control of it. Inevitably I always ended up drinking again, either because I was sad or because the sessions just built up into daily dependence. As an alcoholic there is no normal or managing alcohol intake. We all know that.
So I think this time is different because through a lot of self reflection and wise words on this forum, I now realise how pathetic it is to drink to cover the pain of life. I always felt some sense of entitlement drinking through the pain. Like no on else understands my pain and those that frown on why I drink simply can't understand and aren't worthy of an explanation. I even remember saying to a friend a few months back "When people stop disappointing me, I'll stop drinking." That isn't taking accountability for anything is it. I'm realising the lies I've been feeding myself to fuel my addiction.
Each day I deal with this pain sober I feel I'm doing myself and those around me a justice. I'm taking responsibility for life.
Will I ever drink again? I hope not. I really do. If I keep facing the challenges sober and rebuilding my psychology towards alcohol I think I have a fighting chance.