BODHI! I am so....so....impressed by you....posting when you were struggling..I really didn't think you were going to make it thru...you did it and I am amazed...I was never strong enough to fight those cravings and always, always regretted it when I drank.
Honestly, that first few drinks DOES help us numb...but that lasts for about an hour and then there is a WHOLE BUNCH OF UGLY CRAP THAT FOLLOWS....
Like...needing more, not sleeping well, or passing out in my clothes, waking up in the middle of the night feeling like a failure and more alone than ever, then waking up in the morning when the sun is out...seeing all the beer cans or vodka bottles shimmering in my room reminding me of what a "drunk" I am....not being able to go get the clothes for that funeral....looking in the mirror and realizing I look like crap....and more stuff...all of THAT for a very short relief from the world.
Its much more fullfilling to get thru times like you are going thru...being strong...being there to help others (really being there)....dressing up and showing up....being fresh and clean....respecting yourself and your body....
You are going to wake up feeling good and proud and strong....you will I assure you...and its a much better feeling than you would have had if you DRANK.
God bless. Im so sorry about your Nan...