Feeling so 'off'.
Ok my SR friends, one thing I don't do is share when I'm feeling weak. Or at least not very often. Or wait, I share, but in other people's threads. I try to relate my feelings to the OP, so at least I'm not totally irrelevant.
I am off. I'm not right. I'm feeling a bit, rudderless. I both know and don't know why, does that make sense?
Yes, I have a huge amount of 'things' going on . But not like tangible things. My daughter, my only, is moving out in August, third week ish. I was going to move and care give for my folks, but that's out. For a lot of good reasons.
I'm going to go back to work. I'm going to be recreating this new 'me'. Or something. I am scared. Edgy. I'm bored. And that's all on me, but I am.
I am leaving for Cali for what might be my last visit to see my parents before we transition them to a home (although I have this really weird feeling: I am either going to be begged to come and stay with them for a while, or I will be managing mentioned transition...I dunno). This is the home I grew up in. It also appears that I am going to be shouldering the major discussions about this move (and try THAT with 2 people with dementia). And, I intuitively know what to do. BUT I've never done this before. Hell part of me thinks I should just recommit to moving there....but then the other part says "What are you, NUTs?". Why yes, I am.
So I dunno. I'm just feeling like I want to check out, and yes those thoughts involve booze. Yeah, I know, total **** show. And it won't even provide the relief I'm looking for. So yeah, can't happen. Won't happen. But its rough and this sustained feeling, well its not sustainable.
When I get back I'm going to start therapy again. The sole purpose is really just to pour my soul out to someone that will listen. And if they have any guidance, well bonus points. I'm going to start attending AA again. I am so blessed to have a couple of great meetings and a pretty large group of amazing people that I know will guide me.
I'm just feeling all upside down, inside out. Backwards, forwards and sideways. Its just life, I get that. But ugh. And Ive chosen to see a new oncologist just to make sure I'm doing everything I can for my little cancer situation.
Just all feels weird and overwhelming. Like I'm concerned, am I actually strong enough to shoulder all this. I talk a good bitta talk. But can I walk this without something giving way? Not even sure I'm really even talking about booze. I'm just....scared.
But then again, how grateful I am to be able to sit here, in my home, with AC, you friends, my doggie, a salad in the fridge and the final episodes of True Blood to watch. Stay in the moment. Be grateful. Just get through it? Right?