Thank you to everyone who replied.
Like I said, I’m coming clean to therapist and doc next week about picking the cigs back up. I just am frustrated.
I am feeling good about sobriety but not good enough not to harm myself in another way. Been abusing alcohol/drugs/cigs for most of my life—alcohol was always there, drugs when I was younger and cigs until about 5 years ago. This alcohol quit has been the longest and most brutally honest I’ve ever been with myself, I just can’t wrap my head around why I need an external source to live my life. More to talk to the therapist about I guess.
To all those who are reading this and are in the early days of sobriety—it is totally worth it. Not drinking these past 6 months has been life changing in ways I never thought possible. It’s been a hard road, of self evaluation, patience and forgiveness. Keep going, it gets better. I will continue my sobriety, and quitting smoking too—it’s part of the process of my healing and continued learning about myself and what makes me tick. Do the work, and lean in for help.
Thanks SR.