Dandelion I know you are really hurting. And when someone is actively drinking and in so much pain its really hard to know what to say. And if you don't want to be reached, you won't be.
I have deep empathy for your suffering. And I think many of us here have suffered quite a lot. At the hands of others, or by our own hands.
Trauma. Victimization. Its a thing. But it is not an excuse to drink. That's just the bottom line that I had to face in order to start to learn to cope with life. And I hated that...cause that was my reason to keep drinking.
Trauma does not equal alcoholism. Alcoholism equals alcoholism. When you're ready to change, truly ready to stop the cycle, there is lots of help available.