Originally Posted by
woodlandlost 
Hi All,
I am struggling with how to ease into co-parenting with my EXAW.
She is still presently using, and I saw this first hand this past weekend. Presently we have a verbal arrangement in which EXAW can visit daughter anytime provided there is supervision (from a 3rd party) or through myself. As my EXAW lives out of town it is hard for her to see her daughter. In fact she has only see her once in the last 30 days.
The reason for this arrangement is that the EXAW was drinking around my daughter and has put her into harms way...I got fed up with that and also told her to leave the family home. Which she did...and now is very angry about the situation (unfair etc...)
We have been under this arrangement since start of April 2019 but I can see that things are shifting for her because she seems to be becoming more desperate that her relationship with her daughter is souring. I actually don't want that to happen but I can see my daughter growing distant from her mom and a lot of that has to do with my daughter not ever feeling like her mom has adequately made up for her disappearing acts, missed birthday, driving her drunk etc.... In fact now, my daughter does not want overnight visits with her mom unless I supervise them...which is dangerous for me as there is still a spark between EXAW and myself.
I am feeling so guilty for this...Like I have to mend this relationship...that her using still makes me wonder if this is just another manipulation...
She is in a 12 week OP treatment program but still using...
Advice
Alcoholics have an amazing ability yo play the victim. If she's still drinking she can't do overnights. My EXAH did the whole AA thing right up til we signed the parenting order. He either was always drinking or started again when his access was finalised. Alcoholics lie. Your child is not safe with an active alcoholic. I would insist on a sobriety test when she visits. No alone time, no over nights.
You are the only responsible parent your daughter has. An untreated alcoholic is always a risk. I can say this as a solo mum with 2 preschoolers who spend 3 nights with their alcoholic dad... No supervision. It's god awful. My dad was also an alcoholic and it was his inconsistent behaviour that screwed us up. I'm sorry but you're feeling guilty for the woman you still love. You are now your daughter's only parent. Her needs come first. Sorry for being brutal. It took me 5 months of therapy with trauma councillors to let go of feeling guilty for doing the RIGHT thing.