Lost and confused
Tired of endless internet searches to try to find answers so figured I'd throw some specifics out here and see if I can get some help. Will be a long post so thank you for reading and any advice is greatly appreciated.
Here's the back story. I had some issues with drugs and alcohol that definitely played a bad role In my life in my 20s. Derailed a very promising pro baseball career and for the last 15 years or so I've been in good shape, physically and mentally. Drink only on a healthy level, here and there at this point.
A couple years ago I met an amazing woman. Funny, smart and attractive, all a person could want. It was apparent from the start though that she had a drinking problem. We had fun but it always escalated into her being the last one standing at all functions, big or small and alwsys looking for more. Not literally standing, as dozens of times in 2 years i had to help her walk and she also fell down pretty bad multiple times. From early on I expressed concern and probably wasn't thst nice about it at times. Basically she'd drink just about every night during the week on a low level (a half to 3/4s of a bottle of wine) but the weekends were always constant drunk fests. At times she would give in to my concerns and requests to slow down at least during the week but this would always result in her hiding it from me, drinking sparkling water but sneaking airplane bottles of vodka into them and pretending she wasn't drinking. I found the bottles many times and tasted the drinks to confirm when she was in bathroom or whatever. Also on many occasions she'd fill up wine or liquor bottles with water to mask how much she had drank.
This was a constant item of tension between us, especially me. She would and still won't admit it's an issue at all. Her friends have expressed concern to me, her family staged a half ass intervention as to her reply was "I'm not gonna drink for a few weeks to prove you all wrong ". She proceeded to drink every night for 21 days and it never changed at all. She had a seizure back in the fall.
All along, she was still my best friend and I loved her. The constant buzz or drunkenness really had an impact on my physical attraction for her. It created a huge wedge between us. She gave me multiple ultimatums along the way, where we'd live and eventually getting engaged. I gave in to them all, mostly due to my love for her. She even said if we got engaged she would cut way back or quit all together, which didn't happen at all. If anything the drinking escalated.
Throughout the engagement I was miserable. I felt like I was going down a bad road with someone that was so addicted and couldn't get excited or show excitement for it at all. I was negative and unhappy for sure. Her drinking also created alot of chaos in other ways. I drove everywhere, and did 95% of the work around the house. She might not be the most tidy person to begin with, but the drinking and residual apathy and laziness only was made worse and really bothered me.
About a month ago, she broke up with me. It was a huge surprise and I'm really struggling. I know in that state our relationship wss doomed, but I always hoped she'd see the light and get sober, or at least drink on even a moderately healthy level. Despite breaking up with me, she spent the next few weeks ripping me apart with some of the nastiest comments about just about everything she could hit me with. All the while not remotely acknowledging the impact her drinking had on it all. She's convinced that it was all me and even told me to get therapy. I did agree to that as I do have some things I can work on to be a better partner, for her or anyone and for overall happiness in life. But she still doesn't get it. I'm not even sure if me talking to someone and improving myself is with the interest of her getting back together with me, or as just a way of proving to herself that it was indeed my fault all along. All I know is she is my best friend, and I miss her a ton, and know she is now dating other people and I feel like I'm just an afterthought and that the cycle is going to continue for her without end. She's pressed to get married and have a family as she is 33 and "on the clock". I don't even have any specific questions, I just wanted to share my story and see if there was any feedback I could get on how to get through this brutal time. Thank you