Nearly a year later and how it feels
Just wanted to say thank you to everybody on here for being so supportive. I wish I'd jumped on here a couple of years ago when alcohol started to really impact my marriage.
Its really helped to go NC as much as possible with my EXAH.
I've had to come to terms that I can't co-parent with an active alcoholic. Although he's currently functioning as a dad, I know that as the disease progresses his interest will dissipate. I've already seen him going from enthusiastic (while still in AA) to not so bothered, dressing kids in same dirty clothes 2 days in a row, not brushing their hair, not getting them up early enough to give meds, etc.
I've come to the massive conclusion that he can't hurt me again-unless I let him. I've taken that intermittent chicken story to heart. I'm going to pin 'no new contact=no new harm' to my front door so I can see it every time I open the door to him.
I may not be ready to date yet but I am actively imagining and designing the future I want. I may have to keep sharing the kids with him, until he dies or loses interest but instead of missing him or the life we were supposed to have I'm imaging:
-Sundays spent with a loving, compassionate man. A gentleman with a loving supportive family who embrace me as one of their own
-Showing my children how men are supposed to treat women, with kindness and respect
-Showing my children a consistent male role model who adores them and can become a strong father figure for them
-Creating a beautiful, loving home where my kids feel loved, safe and free to express themselves
-Nurturing myself and my kids so they use meditation and art to cope instead of ever turning to alcohol or drugs
-Creating a strong network of friends who continually support myself and my kids
-Never looking back at what could have been but looking forward at what I want, what's good for me.
I can not cure him. He can not be the man, the life I want to have. So I'm letting him go completely. I'm done flogging a dead horse. Its time to let in love from another who can be all that I want, for me and my kids. We deserve so much better!
Hope this resonates with some of you.