And another update - today I am really tired. I have a teen who alternates between grieving and playing let's-pretend-nothing-happened, and the only place for her unhappiness to come out is at me. Today's incident involved driving lessons. Kid will soon be old enough to get her learner's permit. I mentioned signing her up for driving lessons, how great it is that she's on her way to being more independent, this is something she's been looking forward to for a long time, etc. Kids responds that she doesn't want to take driving lessons, she already knows how to drive, she just needs me to let her practice on my car. I say no, I'm not willing to teach her to drive, best to take a course with a trained instructor and then she can practice. Kid insists that NO, she KNOWS how to drive, she discussed it with her father (before he died, obvs) and he told her about how the gas and the brake work and he also told her she would be FINE just getting in the car and driving away, he was going to let her drive his car, so why am I making a big deal about lessons which she does NOT need, and on and on.
I have no idea what she actually discussed with her father - he could well have said "your mom's just being controlling with this driving-lessons stuff - I'll let you just jump in my car and away you go". Or he might have said nothing at all. Whatever happened, driving lessons seem to be some kind of flashpoint for Kid, bound up with her father and the world of magical thinking/if I want something to be true, it will be true.
I am not going to let a fourteen-year-old who just got a learner's permit use my car. If Kid wants to practice for her road test after she passes her learners' exam, I'll put out the money for lessons with a driving instructor who is not me.
It is strange (and exhausting), the ways that grief comes out.