Whatsdoneisdone

I go through a lot of different feelings throughout the day. Some of them I accept as warranted and reasonable while others I do not. I have been going through a great deal of self inquiry in an attempt to find out who I really am. Not the things I like or the way I dress or the color of my skin or the archetypal category I fit into. I mean who I really am, who hears the things I hear and thinks the thoughts I think. Why do I feel those things? Why don’t I feel those things? To what extent does my ego distort reality and to what extent does reality distort my ego? There is an ultimate truth I believe, then there is the truth as we perceive it individually. Where do they meet? Can I undo my anxiety and anger by practicing compassion in everything? Is true forgiveness and untethered love the only thing that will keep me on the straight and narrow? My own feelings of jealousy or anger cause me pain to a noticeable degree now. I wish to undo that pain. I want only to be satisfied with what I have and feel happy for others who have what I perceive to be “more” than what I possess. But there is so much
”I” in my mind still. I don’t want to be concerned with me anymore. I want to transcend. I want to move with purpose in a way that isn’t forced or predetermined, to do what is right and think what is right in spite of anything and to be grateful in failure as well as victory.
What is it...where do I find a lasting peace that I can aspire to embody? That I can exist within and make a part of everything that is what I am?
Sobriety, I know, is a stepping stone to these ideals I strive to envelop. But in striving...am I missing the bigger picture? We must try in ordered to succeed. But I believe that we are all inherently perfect just as we are. It’s not that we need to learn how to be...it’s that we need to remember how to be. As a child I never did drugs or drank and I was incredibly happy. How is it I knew something back then that I don’t know now?....
in any case I’m just thinking out loud.