Sasha, I am glad the impact of this is starting to be more in perspective if you will. Not control you or your thoughts all the time.
Of course you are going to worry about your child. That has not and won't change. However, you are an excellent mom who will do whatever she needs to get through that, and you only have to depend on yourself to do that, not someone else that is completely out of control. I don't mean to be disrespectful to who he was, but he created so much chaos for you and that part of the chaos is gone.
Keep breathing. Sending a tight hug friend!