Thanks for sharing everything you did, canguy. I relate when you say "I love getting trashed." There's a sliver of me that loves the idea of making everything stop, and just feel euphoric for a few hours. What I've learned, for me, anyways, is that if drinking is on the table, I'll find a reason to "need" a drink, or create one out of some everyday circumstance that could have otherwise been dealt with a number of other constructive ways. And wherever I was before the drink, I'm in a worse place the next day. I'm not trying to tell you what to do...I haven't had over 90 days sober in 20 years. Just sharing some thoughts as they came to me reading your thread.
Peace to you.