I'm sorry you're dealing with so much pain Canguy.
The main part of me was fatalistic too - and even a bit belligerent with it - I thought I was a low down loser who deserved to die alone stewed in alcohol and some nights I honestly thought the sooner the better.
That wasn't the whole story tho and I know it's not the whole story with you either.
You're here and you keep coming back for a reason - and it's not to tell us how much you love drinking, man.
You're a thoughtful decent guy who's been to hell and back and then back again - and I don't believe all that loss is down to you.
You deserve better CG.
D