Look I'm realistic about this. I like to get trashed. I don't want to drink socially, I don't want to even drink with others. As a kid I was a loner, and I learned very early that I preferred to drink alone. I enjoyed reading, music , more alone and drinking.
As an adult, I'm now a loner. No self pity, really, my preference. Otherwise the wife would still be here, the cat would still have a tray under the kitchen table, and perhaps the baby would have been born alive. But it didnt happen.
So the marriage went, then the job.....and now. Now? I can just drink all day everyday if I want.
The only thing that stops me from wanting to, is knowing that there is another way of living. But I only seem to be able to access it for 3 or 4 months at a time.
And its hard to get started.