What's with all the second guessing?
Why do I get stuck in periods where I become consumed with the thought "am I doing the right thing?" "am I making a mistake?" when it comes to divorcing my husband.
Maybe it has something to do with fathers day, and wanting to be a 'happy family' like everyone else (I know that isn't reality, but that's what is fed to us on TV/social media).
Maybe it has something to do with dropping my son off with his dad today to spend the day, and just wanting so badly to be a little family. My son is so happy when he is with both of his parents. Maybe my husband isn't that bad, maybe I could put up with it.
Maybe it has something to do with feeling abandoned by every important man in my life. My dad left me when I was a toddler to go be an alcoholic somewhere else. (hindsight: probably a good idea, but don't tell my inner child that) My husband abandoned me when I discovered his addiction.
I was so naive and deliriously happy as little as 4 years ago. There were always red flags, but I ignored them, and my husband kept most of his drinking to himself (in closed rooms, in hotels alone, etc).
I feel like I'm a stronger person than I was then, but I am definitely not as happy. I know I can't go back, but right now I would give a lot of money to. This is a hard place, that place between happiness. I'm sure there's happiness ahead of me, and there is happiness behind me... but I'm just stuck in the middle.
(I'm not actually planning on stopping the divorce. We had a mediation date set for later this month. I think I'm just grieving)