Hello all-I don't think I've been on here for a while now. I get email updates and sometimes check out threads through that, but I'm having a hard time. I've been thinking about the train that I'm on. You know, the Crazy Train. Things happen and I just think "WTF?! Am I in a real life right now? Is this truly happening?".
I'm just going to think out loud here-Just let my words fall out.
My AH is still at it, of course. I never really thought that he would improve. I just honestly think that I maybe slowed the situation down a bit. Can I call it a situation? What do you call it? A nightmare? The twilight zone? I'm a little sleep deprived from spending an evening at the hospital. This wasn't a result of his drinking but I do think that the other medical issues do stem from the alcohol. Things pop up all the time; there seems to be a constant stream of complaints about aches and pains. I'm to the point where I think mental illness is becoming more apparent. Is alcoholism a form of mental illness?
Does alcoholism cause other mental illnesses? Such as the need for perfectionism, or OCD, or hypochondriac? Depression? All of these enter my mind after seeing the things and hearing the things that I do.
My AH has also has ventured into the world of verbal abuse. He doesn't call me names or anything. I'm waiting for that to happen. I just remove myself from the situation. He'll apologize, even perhaps play the victim a bit. Then does it again. He apologizes. Repeat. The apologies really mean nothing to me at this point anymore. He seems to be losing his self-control (his filter?). I experienced this last night while we were at the urgent care (which turned into an ER trip). He accused me of not caring. He had a stone cold angry look on his face while I was sitting with him in the medical room. I got a glimpse of the angry man that I think he's become. The outbursts are becoming more frequent. The Crazy Train is going faster. Have I gotten a little immune of the "medical" situations and even a little numb to the irrational outbursts? Yes, I think so. I feel that he sometimes looks for attention and validation. He's the victim, it seems. I've learned to take the emotion out of it to try to protect myself a bit. I'm trying not to absorb this craziness and he can see that. But he doesn't understand it because it doesn't serve his purpose.
I hate that I'm angry. I still look at his alcohol level on the bottle. I try not to because I know that it serves no purpose. But it makes me angry that he's doing a good job of secret drinking. It's not really a secret because he can't hide the monster that he becomes. "Monster" might be too strong of a word. I just can tell. The vacant, unfocused look on his face says it all. I think he's drinking in the morning on the weekends now too. There are days, usually Sundays, that he's drunk but I never actually see the drink. I'm convinced that he's just chugging straight from the bottle when I'm out of the room or off doing something. Again, it makes no matter how so I just struggle with WHY I do that. It only makes me angry and disappointed. I always want to have hope though. I'm just hoping that he'll magically wake up one day and STOP. LOL. That's crazy talk because I know that'll never happen.
I have my own issues. My anger. My disappointment. I'm an emotional eater and need to lose weight (about 30 lbs). I can't really talk to him. I avoid talking to him and I don't share things with him intentionally. I've told white lies to avoid conflicts. I walk on eggshells with him. I don't think he copes well and he actually causes drama which makes things worse. I'm, however, conflict avoidant. This is gotten better over time.
He's needy and has become more clingy. I'm suffocating, yet I'm lonely. We have the same talks over and over again. Yet, nothing changes. We don't know how to change, or even where to begin. I told him a few weeks ago that I didn't think we could do well together if we're not individually well. I'm not sure that we'll make it.
Well, that was a long post. If you're still sticking with it-thanks for reading.