I found with my XAH I did change some things. I too came from a family who does not do things w/out the spouses. I changed that. I sat down and very honestly told my XAH (AH at the time) that he obviously did not enjoy going, and that I would not be upset at all if he did not go and I felt it would be a lot more pleasant for myself and the kids, so I had made the decision to go alone w/the kids. And I did so. Yes, it was a change, but change is not a bad thing.
I also stopped engaging in the crazy behavior at my own home. For a while I had to actually pick up my kids and leave the house. That got old, so if he was acting crazy or drinking I demanded that he leave the house and do it elsewhere. And that if he would not, I would call the police. While I never had to call the police, it did get the job done to get him out of my house and give us some space for a bit.
A person cannot argue with themselves if no one else participates. Just yesterday my XAH sent me a text about our child. It was not something productive so I ignored him. He then text me and said, "don't you have anything to say?" I responded with this. "I have told you over and over I will only have conversations which are constructive about our children. Therefore, I have nothing to say because your text is nothing constructive at all, please don't text me again." He then text me something smarty pants, which I ignored. Guess what, he did not text me again. Simply because....I refused to engage.
Before, I would have went back and forth with him and this would have went on for HOURS. Nope, I am not giving that sort of control over myself to another person. They run out of steam quite quickly when they simply don't get a response.
I don't know if any of this helps, but they are some coping methods I practice, and my kids learned from me as well. They also won't participate in any crazy listening to their father. They just....don't respond.
If he is verbally abusing you or your children, you need to act. You have a responsibility to protect your children. I am not saying this is the case, I don't know.
Big hugs.