Yeah, can't really say anything that hasn't been said, but moderation is a recipe for disaster. I would consider reading around for any threads where people have tried to moderate. Puts things in perspective.
As Dee always says - "abstinence is not control"
To elaborate on what Ghostlight said, what would an alcoholic beverage give you that a non-alcoholic bev couldn't? If the only answer is a buzz (it is) then that's bad news.
Thanks for sharing tho. I'm having a weird time as well and it's good to see all of the responses and support. I hope you have a nice sober vacation. One that you can look back on without any shame or fuzzy memories.