Anger, depression, isolation.
I can't help but be SO angry. Angry at so many people and angry at so many things, angry at myself. Things in my control, things out of my control, things not even relevant..
I get angry and all these destructive thoughts run through my head. It leaves me weak and mean. I blow up over nothing and I just push everyone away. As if nobody understands and I am trapped in this cage I have made uncomfortably comfortable for myself.
These thoughts are running my life and I am letting them. Every time I think "I got this.. I CAN and WANT to be sober".. I revert back to the whole "I can't do this. I rather get drunk, harm myself, or just halt this seemingly endless suffering".
I am my own problem and I can't figure out how to get a control on it. Everything just seems to pile up, one thing after another.. But I know that there will always be something. I can't rationalize my thoughts. Nor can I accept them. And that's my problem right now.. accepting things as is.
I think isolation would be better, but it never is. So many people seem to like me but I don't like them and I want to be left alone. But when I do talk with people, I'm generally always smiley and understanding and the experience is great (especially working in healthcare with patients daily). So, I don't know what it is. I don't think it is people I do not like.. rather I think it is myself that I don't like. And I'm just not sure if I'll ever be able to grasp how to begin to love myself instead of continously punishing myself for all things out of my control.