Hi everyone. I've spent the past couple days reading these forums and have found it helpful, inspiring and sometimes a little sad. The threads that start with something like, "This time I'm quitting for good!" then the person makes two more posts and disappears are particularly heartbreaking because I know a lot of those people went right back out. I hope this post doesn't end up like that.
Anyway, here's where I am:
Unlike a lot of people who end up in the hopeless mire that is alcoholism, I've always known what I am. Everyone in my family is an alcoholic. Why would I be any different? I've been through periods of sobriety - five years here, a year there - and somehow always end up drinking again. The last five years have been particularly stupid.
Because I know that I am an alcoholic in the sense that I have no control once I pick up a drink, I've been careful to "moderate" it, making a point of not drinking every day or even most days. Even on the days when I drank, I tried to keep it under, say 5 units, maybe more on "special occasions" (which become more and more frequent over a few years of this self delusion).
You know how it goes. Two days a week becomes three days a week becomes four days a week. Five beers becomes ten. So many occasions become "special!"
The past year or so, I've sincerely wanted to quit and have strung together a dry week or two here and there. I don't understand why I pick up again. There's never a specific trigger. I just start "playing the tape," and hit the pause button at the fun part, the hour or two of jovial conversation, forgetting the hour or two of sloppy drunkenness after that and the next day of regret and hangover.
I know where this disease leads, and I don't want to go there. I need to quit for good. It's easy for me to stop because the physical addiction has been kept a bay, but I need something to keep me from picking up that first drink.
It works for a lot of people, but I can say honestly that AA doesn't work for me. The last time I drank, three days ago, I went to the bar right after a meeting after five days on the wagon. Same as it ever was, there's just a point where, "I'm nowhere near as bad as those people." I know that's my addiction tricking me, but it gets me every time even after months of working the steps. That voice kicks in and says, "Yeah, that doesn't resonate with me at all. This is bull."
The longest I ever went was five years all on my own. I just told myself over and over again, "I don't drink" until it became true. Those were five happy years and the only five years of my adult life that I remember clearly. That was in my late 20s. In my 30s I went the AA route a few times and it never stuck. Now I'm in my 40s, and I hope I can outgrow it once and for all because I don't want to be old and sick or dead before I get the chance to be old.
About my user name: Like a lot of us, I am a different person when drunk, and I don't like the drunk guy. A lot of people do like him, but the people who know him best don't like him at all. Reminding myself that I'm not that guy will be key for me in recovery should I succeed.
Anyway, I hope I will keep coming back here and reading the inspiring stories from those of you who have been sober for a long time.
