Going Insane ( or already there?)
Hello all. Just joined for some opinions . May be a bit of a long rant.
A little background info .
I am a hardcore 24/7 alcoholic. Daily , nightly blackouts, undoubtedly some brain damage. I have been dependent on alcohol since I was 17, I am now 32 .
I have been prescribed klonopin near as long as that also buying and doing street benzos.
Some other drugs that I've had brief stints with are Soma, barbiturates, heroin, methamphetamines, amphetamines, huffing(as in duster,) suboxone, shrooms --- I think you get the idea.
Alcohol ( #1,) benzos, barbs and Soma are by far my drugs of choice ( up the gabs drugs )
The first panic attack I had was on Robitusan. I now suffer panic attacks. Just about daily ..my first episode of extreme paranoia ( or is it ? Was after doing some bad meth , likely mePHadRone . now I'm paranoid daily, especially in crowds . severe anxiety since my late teens when I started getting delirium tremens from alcohol.
My Dilemma
Ok the first thing I want to get out is that I don't necessarily care what people think of me, it is how the he'll they know who I am??
After having my first bout of paranoia, after some methamphetamines, I was on a bus and heard my old nickname being said from all around the bus .
After this goes on for a 3 day bus trip _ hearing this for the entire time, I rationalize that there is no way all these people know who I am, or do they. After assesing the situation I calm down... But then it starts again .
I finally get to the point that I believe all these people do actually know who I am.
Something MUST be posted of me online either doing some crazy, CRAZY sh*t. OR, has some group of people( not as far fetched as it may seem -as the scene I was involved with - this is actually a possibility)
OR , have people been following me posting embarrassing videos of me such as panicking in delirium on city streets, putting it on Facebook or the like, that all, ALL, Of these strangers do know who I am ???
I actually got a robbery charge , thinking people were taking my photo - wondering who they are and why they were following me . It didn't go well to say the least as I chased them and they took off and I ripped the backpack off of somebody I thought was with them to find out what they were doing and he was an innocent bystander .
I am worried all this craziness will lead to more trouble to people who do not deserve it .
Been to too many Rehabs and far too many psych wards so this is not an option. Meds DO NOT work for this.
I am going seriously insane .
Thank you so much those of you who read this.
Any thoughts or opinions are very appreciated .