First of all, you think he was your best friend but in all reality he really was not, an alcoholic is his or her own best friend. I mean I understand what you are saying because that is how I felt about my XRAH as well at one point and time but I learned that even though he was functional at work (mostly ) he really was not at all functional in the relationship. I know he loved me but he was not there for my physically or emotionally because he couldn’t while drinking, He doesn’t even remember half the stuff we talked about in the past, and some of it was some serious stuff.
As far as kids, I am sorry that you may not have any. But bringing a kid into an alcoholic household is not good. I met my ex when i was 30 and we ended up having to do IVF. I had my kiddo at 37. Now I often think, had I known then what I know now I might have considered having a kid on my own. It wouldn’t have had all the privileges my kid had, but it would’ve have been a pretty good life anyway.
I just had a friend who had a kid at 43, so all is not lost necessarily. I love my kid to pieces and I cannot imagine my life without her but in retrospect it probably wasn’t the wisest idea to get pregnant with my ex. But I truly just didn’t understand alcoholism at that time. I just thought it would get better especially once we had a kid. Now I know how super naive that was.
If you aren’t doing any counseling for yourself I highly recommend finding a therapist for you with addiction experience. I am so not the type to go running to counseling but it has been a life and sanity saver for me. Also I don’t agree with your statement that codependency is a result of life with an addict. Most of the time codepdent people are drawn to these types of relationships, I did not even know what codependency was until my ex went to rehab and I read codependent no more. It i learned that I had had codependent tendencies dating back to childhood and my first marriage, the situations I was in may have worsened it over time but they certainly were not the result of living with an addict. There as no addiction issues while I was growing up. I know not everyone involved with an addict is automatically a codependent but I think more people than not really are. Just just may not know it. I certainly did not. I am pretty independent and strong. I moved to the US at 17 for college and made it without any parental support. I worked crap jobs to make end meets and paid my way through college by myself. So I am not a « weak female that needs someone to take care of her ». But I am a people pleaser and rescuer and codependent, but I have really come a long way to avoid being that way again. I can take off of myself just fine, I guess I just didn’t realize how much I thought I liked taking care of other people while forgetting about myself.
Take time to grieve the relationship and the possible loss of having your own children. Don’t bury your feelings trying to stay strong, ive learned th hard way that that is not a good way to deal with things.....and it doesn’t make you less of a person for expressing high feeling and being sad about everything that has gone on in hip our life.
Good luck with everything, take care of yourself because you deserve it.