My XRAH was sent to rehab and did not have a choice unless he wanted to risk losing his job. I had given him an ultimatum and he quit that day. He later admitted that it only worked because he had gotten to the point himself that he felt he could no longer go on like that. I told him he needed treatment this time (had stopped several times in the years we were together and basically been an alcoholic since his teens).
I think we were both under the impression that if could just stop drinking all would be well and we could carry on like we had....which when you think about it is silly because it was not a very functional relationship in retrospect. We did not expect him to get sent to rehab, that was a total shocker, after all he had quit on his own . But once he was in we realized he really needed that. Quitting alcohol is only a small part of addiction. They need to learn to be sober and learn new coping skills to deal with life. My ex having been an alcoholic for close to 40 years had a lot of learning to do. Initially they told him 30 days but after 2 weeks they told him he had to stay for 90 days, he was pissed but he needed it, it took half of that time to realize his manipulative ways. His counselor told me “to say that he is challenging is an understatement”. And my ex is a well respected professional in our community that hid is problem like an expert.
I don’t know where your relationship is at at the moment, I was ready to walk when I confronted him but wanted to give it one last chance if he got treatment. And they tell you not to make any big life changes that first year. I don’t want to scare you and I am sure it isn’t like this for everyone but in our case I feel like rehab made things a lot worse between us. Early on we had very limited contact, just enough to get into an argument before having to hang up. Every weekend we had to do a 3 hour round trip to go see him for a couple of hours. Our already strained relationship became even worse. I started to learn a lot about myself and addiction. I got into counseling myself and slowly but surely finally realized my codependent ways, how unhappy I had really been but had kept up appearances because that is what a cpgood codependent spouse does etc. I was not ready for him to come home after 30 days. Honestly I had liked being home alone. He had pondered getting an apartment but I had also told him if he did that I think we were done, not because I wanted him home so badly but because it would be too easy to continue to avoid each other. Not sure if that was a good or bad decision but I honestly think I was too far gone already. We made it another 15 months after rehab with counseling trying to work on things but I just could not get over it. Lots of resentment certainly but I also learned a lot about myself and learned tomfisnly be honest with myself and worry about what I think for once. And I think I just was afraid to admit that I did not love him anymore and probably had not for a good while. But it was a second marriage for both, our kid was 6 when all this went down and we had a 16 y/o niece at home whom we were raising due to her having addicted parents. So I felt like I had to just buck up and provide a stable home for them. My ex also changed a lot. He had to, he had no choice if he wanted to stay sober. He improved a lot behavior wise but still has his mood swings and moment pas of manipulation and honestly he was no longer the person I fell in love with. I think too much had happened for too long and his sobriety came 2 years too late for me.
So don’t expect miracles, one month of rehab is just the beginning and may not even be enough. If they really continue to work a program rehab will just have been the tip of the recovery iceberg. They will change a lot that first year if they take their recovery serious. And you will need to change a lot as well so that you don’t fall back into the same dysfunctional relationship you have had until now. It was/is a big fear of mine. If they have family week at the rehab I would strongly suggest you go. You learn a lot and you meet other families that get what you are going through. Your wife will likely be a rollercoaster of emotions and likely have mood swings. Rehab is really hard on them because they are being confronted with everything they have done and what it has done to their relationships, we had to write a cost letter. A letter I (or anyone else affected but in my case only I was the one that knew what was going on) wrote to explain to him how his addiction had affected me and the family. I tend to be wordy (as you can tell from this post ) and it was 7 pages single spaced.....I was brutally honest but fair and did not tear him to pieces. He even admitted that. The kicker is that he had to read the letter in front of a big group, not knowing what was in the letter beforehand. I can only imagine how hard that was for him. I mean I know it was because he said so in marriage counseling. They go to a lot of meetings and have individual counseling as well. They also will get a psych evaluation more than likely.
I am really glad that my ex went to rehab. I think it would have taken him years to make the progress he made in 90 days, and maybe he would not have even made
all that progress. I am glad he is sober because I can trust him with our kid now, but it was really tough on us. But like I said I was ready to walk if he had not agreed to quit and seek help so I really had hit my rock bottom.
5 year relapse rates are fairly high for a lot of people partially because a lot of people cannot keep doing intense therapy etc once they go home (either lack of insurance or means or even the right therapist). My ex is being followed very closely by his professional organization. Soberink 4 x a day, random drug tests and he he has to go to a certain number of meeting (although it isn’t very much). He is doing well and partially because he is being followed very closely and his job is at stake if he relapses.
Once she gets out of rehab I strongly suggest marriage counseling as well as (continued) individual therapy for you (her too obviously)
Someone mentioned not to be too involved in their program, not to cheer them on too much and I agree. That is what group is for for them. You need to stay out of it for the most part, be supportive but mostly passive support I guess. I probably was not very supportive at all other than I brought the kids every weekend. But I had my own struggles that I needed to deal with in addition to keeping the family going and stay strong for them and keep life as normal as possible. So honestly I did not have it in me to be very supportive whereas he had a lot of support at rehab and had no other worries than just to focus on himself 100%. That actually did not bother me because that is obviously what he was there for and needed to do that to recover ( and truthfully I had basically been living as a single parent already for the most part even when he was at home) but it did mean I had very little in me to show a lot of support to him. In addition to keep life going at home I needed to focus on me and my own recovery. He actually admitted later that that was actually a good thing in a way because it forced him to really focus on what he was doing.
I will also add that social life also changed a lot. All of our social events include alcohol and it made him really uncomfortable at first. A lot of times he ended up bringing his own drinks because a lot of times no one would really think about having non alcoholic drinks. And when we would drink and get a little less inhibited he did not like that either. And I will be honest, I had no intention of giving up alcohol just because he could no longer drink. I don’t drink at home at all but when we go out to dinner or to parties I will have 2-3 drinks usually. But it changes our social life dynamic as well,
Try to think positive but don’t expect miracles. One month is just a start, repertoire is a long process and that first year can be very tumultuous and you both will change a lot more than likely. Your relationship will never be the same again because it can’t be. It will be tough for both of you. Plenty of marriages do survive but unfortunately mine wasn’t one of them and largely because I had gone through several relapses and I had gotten to my rock bottom. Had he done this 2 years before that when I had confronted him (but no ultimatum at that time) I think we could’ve survived but he had said alter that had I given an ultimatum at that time it would not have worked. But the last 2 years is what did us in, or me at least (we had been together 14 years when he went to rehab) .
Hopefully your relationship is not that far gone and things will work out for you two if she can stay sober but the first year will not be easy and ipwill take a lot of work on both ends,
Glad she is in rehab and seems positive about it this time, that is a good start. I just want you to be cautiously optimistic however. Good luck, take care of you while she is gone. You have several weeks where for once you don’t have to worry about if she is drinking or what she is doing when she is drinking, I remember that being a very weird sensation. But use that time to take care of yourself and focus on you and selfcare for you. Check out alanon, go do something nice for yourself. Get a massage and let rehab worry about your wife for now because that part is completely out of your hands. You deserve to take time for you.