I understand the self-loathing. I had a lot of that, for a lot of reasons, not the least of which was failing to get sober on my own. Thought I was strong enough, smart enough, had enough will-power, to just quit. I wasn't, because I was addicted to alcohol and had no clue how to survive without it for any length of time. Not only was I addicted to alcohol, but I needed a whole bunch of work on myself in other areas so that I could learn to cope with life on life's terms without looking for an escape. Quitting the physical act of pouring booze down my throat was just the beginning, the real work has been since then. Learning to be a whole person, filling my toolbox with tools so that I don't pick up again. It's a process.