Originally Posted by
kimberly702 
In your experience, has your partner actually changed? How did the change come about? did they do it on their own or did you two do it together? Also, if you could turn back the clock. Knowing what you know now, would you stay in that relationship?
My XABF is also a very loving, sincere person and our love is absolutely real. I don't think it serves to worry about whether the love is real. All of us are here because we love or have loved a wonderful, but deeply troubled person.
My XABF has changed for the worse. Despite his attempts to quit, for a few years or a few months at a time, he has always gone back to drinking - and always harder than before. I know now what I did not know before: that alcoholism is progressive unless treated by a full time, fully committed, life long program. Abstention is not enough. The likelihood of relapse is high and unless the alcoholic learns an entirely new set of life management strategies, the old continue on and make relationships extremely difficult. It's not about the drinking so much as about how this person navigates life.
Knowing what I now know, I would not have gotten involved with him. Knowing what I now know, I would see that it's extremely unlikely to have a good relationship with an untreated alcoholic, even if sober. It's impossible to have a good relationship with someone who is drinking alcoholicly. Most alcoholics have wonderful qualities, that's why we love them, but the drink takes them down, slowly and gruesomely. When you're with an untreated alcoholic, your choice is to go down with them or walk away to find happiness elsewhere. That's what I know now.