Just an update, I broke down and called him earlier. I was so angry as I sat here alone that I had to. I found myself yelling at him for the first time since he's left. I was in tears asking "how could you do this to me?! you threw me away like a piece of trash!" ...of course all he could say was "I'm sorry". I wished it helped but that's all he's ever said...sorry, sorry, sorry.
I know I'm looking for answers I will never get and it just kills me. I'm praying tomorrow will bring me more strength.