Thank you ItsTime4Me. Your words really hit home. They described every thought and emotion I've been feeling and reading them meant a lot. It's hard to accept but yes, I too have been doing the same things over and over (forgiving, hoping, being let down) and it's always the same outcome. And yes, sadly, we are all losers in this game of addiction.
I know things will get better in time, things are just incredibly hard because (due to my enabling and his addiction) I have cut ties with everyone in my life. I have no one, my son is grown but states away. I've been slowly reaching out to old friends though, so that's good.
I'm dreading tomorrow when he comes to pack the last of his things. It's going to be a rough night for me, knowing it's finally over. I'll always miss what might have been, what could have been, and what should have been. Even though I know it never was....