you're welcome.
I was exactly the same, "I would be lying if I said there isn't a part of me that wishes to continue drinking but I know that it is messing me up. As someone who deals with depression and anxiety it goes a little something like this ..drink for a while and hit a wall with full on symptoms. Stop for a while and begin to feel better. Rinse and repeat. "
It's a vicious cycle. Is there any way you can have access to a medical professional or psychiatrist to evaluate you? In my case, after avoiding it for years, I started on a group recovery program, I decided to return to this site to keep me going, I talk to my mental health doctor every other week. The depression and anxiety are a contributing factor to anxiety and depression. After a period of abstinence, the symptoms should ease. You may also need meds in the meantime to help, or for how long it takes as you address those issues as well and learn coping skills.
I wish you the best. Bring things up in the open, you deserve a better life.