You are absolutely right. All I do is try to keep him happy so that he treats me well. I made the list by the way.. with each point I wanted to add “,but...” so I obviously am trying to justify every horrible thing that he is or does... honestly there is something wrong with me.
What do I get from talking to him? Nothing for me for sure when I think about it, other than more grief and pain... you are right. I guess I like being that special person that he can talk to... I don’t know why but I do want to know what is happening in his life. ?! Or I just am not ready to let go. He always made everything about him and me and my needs disappeared!

High functioning as in he still holds a good job and manages to keep his drinking a secret. He looks good and smells good and no one has ever seen him drunk. At work people think he abstains from alcohol. He never drinks at social events if he ever attends them.
I do not know the real extend of his drinking, this is why I think I might be so delusional. But again, good point - he is high functioning until he’s not... in a way I think I want to see him fail, only to have a proof that he really isn’t any different to a “standard” alcoholic.. i don’t know if that makes me a terrible person??

For me I think, as I don’t have experience in this, it may seem that somehow he IS different and can make it on his own, or that eventually he will go to a meeting, he is so smart and so convincing about everything, I guess I am being delusional and trying to find excuses for his behaviour. Same as he finds excuses why he would drink or why he won’t go to therapy. I know this is where I go wrong, I still talk to him and perceive him as a normal person who thinks in a straightforward way, and that’s because he really is exceptionally smart and educated, it’s hard to see him as an alcoholic when all you have known so far was a highly educated very respected specialist.

Thanks for recommending the book. I’ll look into it, as well as the link from your previous message. It really helps what you write.