PDM: So very true about "death by a thousand cuts" ...I couldn't have said it better myself.
Just an update for everyone that has so kindly offered their thoughts and advice:
I did what I said I was going to do. I let him know my boundaries. He begged for another chance and promised me nothing like this would ever happen again. Guess what? He just left. Again. I know it was wrong to even give him another chance, but when you love someone who is sick, it's hard to let go. I went into it with my eyes wide open, though. I kept waiting to see remorse, empathy...SOMETHING these last few weeks but sadly I didn't see much of anything. Just empty words. I tried to explain that for me, him leaving again WAS goodbye. Yet in his addicted and clouded mind he still had the mindset that "this isn't forever, I just need to fix myself...." ...I told him I cannot see it that way. And I'm not sure how, but him leaving again has made this a million times harder than the last time. I really wanted to believe he meant it, I really did.
Everything is packed, he took what he could when his sister picked him up to move back into the roach motel (trailer). I tried so hard these last few days to beg him to get the help he promised he'd get, to really look at his love for me (which he still says repeatedly he loves me more than anything in this world) but in the end, none of it mattered. He still left while once again closing the door telling me he loved me. I hate myself right now for allowing this to happen, I know I did it all to myself by giving him another chance. I can honestly say however that I do not believe there will ever be another chance. This is the end. I can never put my feelings on the line like this again. I'm beyond destroyed.
I plan on contacting a therapist tomorrow, I need real help. Probably medication. It's almost uncanny that the person I loved most in this world has driven me to needing to be medicated because of HIS addiction. I hate that he's sick, I hate that life has handed him any of this but I can no longer let him spread this contagious disease with me.