thegrasshopper

Hi everyone,
I am new to this forum and the subject of alcoholism in general. I need some good advice, please.
There was never any alcohol in my immediate family nor have I ever had anything to do with an alcoholic (not that I was aware of anyway) before now, so I am finding it really hard to undestand what is currently happening to me.

To the point - last summer I got involved with a man, my supervisor at work to be precise. He pursued me, we fell in love, I felt the happiest I have ever been in my life. He did seem odd at times, but it felt like we were perfect for each other on so many levels, that little things that were perhaps a bit worrying or weird didn't bother me too much. Like the fact that we would text at night and all of the sudden he would just stop and only check back in with me the next morning, or when he was promising me unrealistic things (things that were too good to be true and no matter how in love I felt I knew that!), or when he was compulsively buying me presents, or when he was acting like a total child (and again, I know love makes you silly, but he was reaching the extremes).
Long story short - after many ups and downs and a few break ups and come backs, he finally admitted that he is an alcoholic. He would drink even up to a litre of vodka every night (alone at his house, he was never a social drinker) and a few shots in the morning to keep him going and to stop his hands from shaking. All of the sudden everything that was weird about him made sense. By the way, he also admitted many, many lies that he told me about him at the beginning of the relationship. I had not seen that coming, he is a very successful professional, really popular at work and extremely good at what he does. He is what is called a high functioning alcoholic.
I didn't care. I still wanted to be with him. I thought that his good side outweighted this bad, dark one. I never thought I would rescue him or magically fix his problem, I just decided I was ready to live with that and support him however he needed. Now here is the twist - he broke up with me a week after he went through a withdrawal (alone, at home, with my virtual support). He claimed he didn't know who he was anymore and needed to be alone to figure it out.
Now, he has been sober for almost 3 months (so he claims). We haven't spoken much in that time (I am not currently working, but will need to go back soon), I was trying to support him as much as possible, and I didn't want to interfere with his recovery. In the meantime, as it turns out, he started seeing someone and is very serious about her. Another stab in the heart - he moved on two months after breaking up with me, so it didn't take him long to figure things out... He says it's because our relationship started when he was under influence and he doesn't like that. Now he's doing things right he seems to think... (and I know from my research that you should allow at least 2 years of being sober before you start a relationship).

My problem is that I still love him. I KNOW he is doing me a favour by not wanting to be with me for whatever reason, although he still claims that I am a perfect match for him and that he loves me. I feel like he is THE ONE for me, I feel like we could be so happy together, like his alcoholism wouldn't be that much of a problem!! It is crazy, I do know this! I just am so hooked up on him. He lied to me, he manipulated me, he probably still is lying now. He hurt me more times that I could count, and yet I still feel like we should be together, Also I feel like I should offer him my support as I am effectively the only person who knows the truth about him and he doesn't have anyone else. Now he talks to me openly about his drinking, and he also tells me about his new girlfriend, who he didn't tell yet by the way. And I see how he is manipulating her now too, and making the same mistakes that he made with me, but HE doesn't see it!! I want to believe that he is sober, but it's hard when I see the things he does. I guess with alcoholics it is like that though, they only do what suits them right?

I want to stop wanting him, stop loving him and I don't know how. I have to work with him (and no, changing job is not possible at the moment) and I am worried that when his new girlfriend finds out about his problem, she will leave him (which any sane person would certainly do when it is still early days), and he will come after me again and the whole story will repeat itself. I want to protect myself and my feelings from him, I know he is toxic and I know I cannot trust him and that he is sick and all he does and says is irrational, but I feel that I am not strong enough to switch off my feelings and my emotions and say no to him. I do not want to get involved with him (that's the voice of reason), but at the same time I do (this is what my heart and souls want). I am insane.

I read a lot about alcoholism, about HFAs, I read a book and I read blogs, I listen to podcasts. I went to Al-anon already once and I am planning to continue going.
I am trying to sign up for psychotherapy, becuase the problem seems to be my low esteem and some tendency to codependancy or something, but I am not sure how successful all this will be, when deep down I just feel like we are so good for each other, I feel like I know the REAL him...
I need some advice how to detach from him, how to internalise what I know (his lies, manipulations, irrational decision making, egocentrism, selfishness, lack of empathy etc.) and how to stop believing that alcohol is not such a big problem.
I know I sound stupid! It seems stupid to me what I am doing and feeling. I just don't know how to stop :-(